*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.