Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Storm Tropical Storm
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.