[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early