I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
12. I think about this all the damn time
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Yup
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]