For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.