If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
You Might Also Like
me logging onto twitter
This kid is a star!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Beware…..
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
went fishing caught a bass
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there