I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
How your email finds me
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Knock Knock
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?