5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Found my door mat
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I can’t deal with men any longer
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’m putting together a team
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.