I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
you have three unread messages
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”