Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.