Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.