The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.