Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Isn’t
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.