Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
when u come home smelling like another dog
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep