Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
my astrological sign is a french fry
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
<- sleeps well with others
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]