Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.