There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
finally
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
time machine? you mean a clock?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it