“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
#DesignFail
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.