My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
what day is it?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.