so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
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Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
when you don’t want to be too vague