Taking phone security to the next level.
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks