ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
me linking you to my twitter
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge