Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’m not stressed
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.