Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is