I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
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Me: Same
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down