A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy