I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
me
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off