urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?