Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*