America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.