What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.