I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
#Caturday
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*weighs self after shaving
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
thinking about a very short hotdog
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?