It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.