*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.