My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.