13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]