I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
You Might Also Like
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Any refunds available?…
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My friend is an excellent librarian.