Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
You Might Also Like
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: