Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze