“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks