Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!