My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.