Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…