[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
fly smarter, not harder
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought