ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
how to have an accident 101
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.