You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
*aggressively waits in line*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.