My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The Onion called it…again.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.