A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.