DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs