Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.