when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Meowchelangelo
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.